The Conversations We Avoid—and What They Cost Us

Most of us can name a conversation we are putting off.

Perhaps it is feedback you need to give a colleague. A client expectation that needs resetting. A disagreement with your manager. Or a growing frustration in a relationship that you hope will simply disappear if you give it enough time.

Avoiding these conversations is deeply human. It can feel safer to wait for the 'right' moment, to soften the issue in our own minds, or to hope the other person will notice without us having to say anything (how I remember to use this one :( ).

But what we do not say does not necessarily go away. More often, it becomes an assumption, a source of resentment, or a quiet distance between people. Small issues become more complicated, and the conversation we were trying to avoid may eventually happen under far more pressure.

Culture matters too.

In some cultural or organisational contexts, speaking openly to a manager, senior colleague, parent, or other authority figure can feel disrespectful. The message we may have learned—explicitly or subtly—is that respect means not challenging, questioning, or raising concerns.

This can feel especially complex when we live and work across cultures. As expats or international professionals, we may be navigating unfamiliar communication styles while also carrying the habits we learned at home. What feels like clear, healthy directness in one culture may feel confrontational in another; what feels respectful in one context may be interpreted as silence or disengagement in another.

There is no single 'right' way to speak up—but there are ways to do so with both cultural awareness and self-respect.

Even in organisations that say they value openness, the everyday culture may communicate something different. Who gets heard? What happens when someone disagrees? Is speaking up rewarded, ignored, or quietly held against people?

So when someone avoids a difficult conversation, it is rarely because they are careless or incapable. Often, they are responding to a lifetime of messages about safety, belonging, hierarchy, and conflict.

The goal is not to judge ourselves for avoiding. It is to understand the pattern—and then create a more supportive way to respond.

We often treat conflict as something to prevent at all costs. But conflict is not automatically harmful.

Disagreement can reveal what matters. It can bring hidden assumptions into the open, challenge an unhelpful way of working, and create the conditions for better decisions. Some things are worth standing up for: fair treatment, clear expectations, healthy boundaries, a good working relationship, or an outcome that serves everyone better.

The question is not whether we can avoid every conflict. It is whether we can engage with conflict respectfully.

Difficult situations can also be a source of growth. They invite us to practise clarity, courage, empathy, and resilience. They give us the opportunity to understand another perspective without abandoning our own.

At work, silence can lead to missed expectations, slow decisions, duplicated work, and frustration that leaks into other interactions. In teams, people may interpret silence as agreement, disengagement, or a lack of care. In relationships, avoidance can create distance while the other person has no idea what is happening.

A difficult conversation may not feel easy, but it can be a form of respect. It says: this relationship, this piece of work, or this shared outcome matters enough for me to be honest with you.

For clients who find these conversations particularly difficult, I often draw on an approach adapted from Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

This is not about becoming aggressive or getting your own way; it is about practising assertiveness: expressing what matters to you clearly and respectfully, while leaving room for the other person’s perspective.

The aim is not to make a demand, issue an ultimatum, or force an either/or outcome: you do it my way, or I am out. That approach may feel decisive in the moment, but it can leave little room for understanding, creativity, or a shared solution.

Instead, the intention is to communicate clearly, take responsibility for our own experience, and make a genuine request.

A useful structure is:

1. Observation: What have you noticed, without blame or judgement?

2. Feeling: How has this affected you?

3. Need: What matters to you in this situation?

4. Request: What would you like to ask for—specifically and respectfully?

For example:

“I’ve noticed that our priorities have changed several times this month without a clear decision being shared. I’m feeling unsure about where to focus my effort, because I want to make sure I am contributing to the right outcome. Could we agree on the current priorities and how changes will be communicated?”

The issue has not been minimised. It has been named clearly. But instead of accusing the other person, this approach makes the impact visible and invites collaboration. It is also focused on 'I' (your side of it): not assigning blame or assuming intentions on others.

For someone speaking to a manager or another authority figure, the request may need to be framed around a shared goal:

“I appreciate the direction you’ve given us on this project. I’d like to share one concern: I’m seeing [specific impact or risk], and I want to make sure we deliver the best possible result. Would you be open to exploring [specific request]?”

The words do not need to be perfect. What matters is that they are honest, specific, and oriented toward a way forward.

And a request is different from an ultimatum. The other person may not respond exactly as we hope. They may need more information, see the situation differently, or suggest another solution. A productive conversation makes space for that, while still allowing us to be clear about what we need and what matters to us.

That might mean preparing a few sentences in advance, asking for a conversation (later) rather than starting one in the heat of the moment, or practising with someone you trust. For an introvert, it may mean requesting time to reflect before responding. For someone navigating a hierarchy, it may mean framing the conversation around shared goals, impact, and a respectful request.

Each time we have a conversation we once would have avoided, we build resilience. We become a little more able to tolerate uncertainty, unpleasant emotion, and the possibility that another person may see things differently.

That is not about becoming confrontational. It is about becoming more capable of honest connection.

If there is a conversation you have been avoiding, you do not need to solve everything at once.

Start by asking yourself:

• What have I observed?

• How is this affecting me?

• What do I need?

• What is one clear request I could make?

Then consider the smallest respectful next step: perhaps writing down what you want to say, requesting time to talk, or simply beginning with, “There is something I would like to discuss because it matters to me.”

The conversation may still feel uncomfortable. But discomfort is not the same as danger.

Sometimes, the conversation we most want to avoid is the one that gives us greater clarity, deeper trust, and a real opportunity to grow.