You Are Getting It Wrong! Why & How We Misjudge Success and What Truly Matters

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You'd think no one but you can really know what truly matters most for you, what you value the most in life in search of that sense of happiness and success, right?

Many of us live our lives based on other people’s expectations and their definition of what success and happiness are. While your friends, family and colleagues will certainly not be better placed to help you (not unless they’ve already gone ‘the extra mile’ to think for themselves), even when we are self-conscious enough and we are mindful about creating our own measure of personal and professional success, the fact is that we often just get it wrong, very wrong... :(

Research in psychology has shown that we often misjudge what truly contributes to our well-being and sense of fulfilment. While we may believe that material possessions, wealth, or status are paramount for our happiness, scientific evidence indicates otherwise.

Studies consistently show that subjective well-being is more strongly correlated with factors like strong social connections, meaningful relationships, and a sense of purpose or autonomy (check about the PERMA-V model here). However, these factors are often undervalued or overlooked in our decision-making processes. For example, we might prioritize earning more money or pursuing prestigious careers over spending quality time with loved ones or engaging in activities that align with our values.

This discrepancy between what we believe matters for our well-being and what actually does can be attributed to various cognitive biases and societal influences.

One such bias is the "hedonic treadmill" phenomenon, where individuals continuously seek external rewards or achievements in the pursuit of happiness, only to find that the satisfaction derived from these accomplishments is fleeting and short-lived.

Another related cognitive bias refers to our tendency to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs or attitudes while ignoring or dismissing evidence that contradicts them. In the context of well-being, this “confirmation bias” can lead us to prioritize goals or values that align with preconceived notions of happiness, even if they may not truly contribute to our overall fulfilment.

“Temporal discounting” is another relevant bias, since it focuses on our tendency to place greater value on immediate rewards or gratification while discounting the importance of future consequences. This bias can lead us to prioritize short-term pleasures or gains over long-term investments in relationships, personal development, or health, ultimately undermining their overall sense of fulfilment and happiness in the long run.

Moreover, societal norms and cultural expectations also influence our perceptions of success and happiness by providing a framework for what is considered desirable or valuable within a given community. These norms dictate the benchmarks for achievement, often emphasizing material wealth, career success, and external validation. Advertising, social media, and other forms of media often perpetuate these ideas that material wealth and consumption are key indicators of happiness, further distorting our judgment.

Many of us have now internalized these standards at a non-conscious level, leading us to prioritize goals that align with societal expectations, even if they do not necessarily align with our intrinsic values or long-term well-being, thus jeopardizing our sense of genuine fulfilment.

Social comparison is another element that plays a role, as people gauge their own success and happiness based on how they stack up against others within their cultural context. This tendency distorts our perceptions of well-being by fostering feelings of inadequacy or envy when we perceive ourselves as falling short in comparison to others who appear to have more, again often using external markers such as wealth, status, or appearance. Ultimately, it can lead to a cycle of pursuing goals solely for external validation rather than intrinsic satisfaction, perpetuating the societal narrative of what constitutes success and happiness.  

If these barriers and complications apply to anyone, expats are definitely in for a double challenge, having to deal with expectations weaving across multiple cultural contexts and their respective success benchmarks.

But there are good news too. Research also suggests that we can enhance our well-being by cultivating mindfulness, gratitude, and self-awareness. By reflecting on your values and priorities, you can make more informed decisions that are conducive to your overall happiness and fulfilment. Additionally, fostering strong social connections and investing in experiences rather than material possessions can lead to greater life satisfaction and well-being in the long run.

In short, while we may struggle to accurately assess what matters most for our well-being, scientific evidence highlights the importance of prioritizing relationships, personal growth, and intrinsic values over external markers of success. By challenging societal norms and cultivating mindfulness, you can lead a more fulfilling life better aligned with your true aspirations and desires.

So, yes, only you can figure out what matters; yet you need to be aware that your 'first (actually constructed!) instincts' can often lead you in the wrong way. Look within. Ask yourself: What does really matter to me and why?

If you need some support figuring it out and making sure your life is duly aligned with your career, just get in contact ;)

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