The gift that wasn't 'just a gift' [An Expat Pocket Story]

I used to think workplace gifts were simple.

A small token. A polite gesture. A sign of appreciation. It happened all the time in Portugal... [I remember giving a gift to my primary school teacher every Christmas or at the end of the school year, and seeing my father — a medical Doctor — receive many gifts from his patients, from chickens or home-made jam to whisky.]

Then I became a Chief Executive of an international association (NGO) in the Netherlands.

Representatives from our member organisations around the world would visit, and some would arrive with something in hand: a product from their organisation, a local speciality, a small souvenir from home.

At first, I felt touched!

Then I started noticing what my brain was doing with it.

When a gift appeared, my mind quietly translated it into a story: They’re warm. They’re thoughtful. They value relationship.

And when no gift appeared, my mind translated that too: They’re distant. They’re formal. They don’t really care.

Except… that wasn't true.

Over time, I saw patterns that had nothing to do with 'who cared more' and everything to do with culture. 🌍

For many Latin American and Asian visitors, bringing a gift seemed to be part of the relationship script: “I respect you,” “I'm grateful,” “I didn't come empty-handed.”

For many Germans, gifts simply weren't part of the professional script. Respect showed up as preparation, clarity, and directness. No wrapping paper required.

And then there was the policy. To protect integrity, we had to declare gifts above a certain value threshold (I can’t remember the exact amount — around €20 or so). Not because gifts were 'bad', but because trust is fragile, and perception matters.

It was only later that I realised: a gift isn't just an object. It's a cultural signal.

And if you live and work across cultures, you can end up reacting to the signal — not because you're 'too sensitive', but because your brain is trying to keep you safe in unfamiliar territory.

Now, when I notice a reaction (mine or someone else's), I try a simple question:

“What is my brain predicting this means?”

Because the feeling is real.

But the meaning isn't always the only possible one.

Reflection prompt

👉 What's one workplace moment abroad that you interpreted as 'obvious'… and later realised it wasn't?