How many friends does an expat need?

How many friends do you have? Is that enough?

Human connections are an essential element contributing towards our sense of well-being and happiness. Friends, family, work colleagues, neighbours, hobby buddies (and even strangers) can all influence not only how good we feel but also how far we can succeed professionally (even if some more than others!).

When you move to a different country (or even just a new city), it often becomes more challenging to maintain all your existing friendships and other social relations. Loneliness can be - and unfortunately often is - a feeling that many of us experience, especially when we first land in a new place, and no matter how many people may actually surround us.

Interestingly, researchers from Harvard University have found out that being surrounded by the 'right’ people can be crucial for our well-being. In fact, if you are in direct contact with someone who is happy, you are 15% more likely to be happy too. More: if those people are also in contact with someone else who is happy (a third person whom you do not know), that increases your chances of happiness by 10%. And, if there is a 4th happy person in the chain whom you have never met, you are still 6% more likely to be happy yourself. In short, our social networks create a positive ripple effect in our happiness, even at a distance! :D

Your relationships can also directly affect your professional success and sense of fulfilment at work. It is estimated that 70-80% of new positions are acquired, not by directly applying to a vacancy, but rather by using your network to stay informed and open new opportunities. In addition, just reflect on how you think your day will be like, if you leave for work right after having an unresolved argument with a friend or partner? Most likely, your state of mind will reflect both on your interactions with your work colleagues, as well as in your ability to focus and performance your role at your best level. The reverse is often also true: our work relationships often affect our personal lives! In fact, the same applies even to your interactions with a complete stranger, who might have smiled at you as you went through a supermarket checkout or instead frowned at you in the street with a grudge…

In the end, when it comes to friendships and social connections, while quantity does play a role, quality is far more important.

While growing up, I was never the ‘popular person’, whom everyone wanted to be friends with. Thank God! Quantity does come with higher ‘maintenance requirements’… ;)  For most of my life I’ve kept a small group of really close friends, generally between 3-6, not always the same ones: there were the middle/high school friends, the University ones, PhD-time friends, and a few ‘colleagues turned friends’. It is still awkward for me to realise that I have been friends with some for close to 35 years now… ;)  My close friendships have certainly evolved through time - in most cases, our rate of contact has become more sparse (for some, annual or even less), our likely ‘agenda topics’ have changed -, yet a few have remained close until today.  

Others belong in a more recent or loose category of friendship but are equally important. Indeed, I don’t interact in the same way or talk about the same topics with all my ‘friends’: some can be really helpful with professional or business advice, some are a nice companion for a weekend activity, some I can trust to water my plants while I’m away, with others we just chat and relax while sharing what are the latest Netflix series we recommend to to the other, and only with a few I feel I can really open up on any issue. That’s OK!

Whether you are an expat who at some point might have had to leave most of your social network behind or not, the challenge is to keep adding wisely to it and nurturing our - close and as well as more distant, old and new - relationships. The frequency can be adjusted, the topics can change, how they are nurtured varies, but reflect on which connections help you get into the positive ripple effect and are truly worth keeping and dare to allow others to evolve and even fade, especially if they were more negative or even toxic.

So, here is a quick tip: considering your current ‘personal community’, who would you include in that list and how close do you feel to them? Draw it in a circle (with you at the centre) now! Are there people with whom you’d like to spend more time with? Are there connections you may need to nurture a bit more from your side? Healthy and positive relations tend to be a balanced 2-way street - you get what you put in though be wary of not receiving enough back - but it’s good to have a nice distribution between close friends and ‘trusted acquaintances’ too.

Creating new (no matter how small) social connections is essential when moving to a different country, whether with locals or other expats, so make sure you build and nurture enough your own support network.

In the beginning, it may just be a nice neighbour or your regular bus driver; with time you may find some grow into more full-blown, capital F, Friendships :)

Personally, I never felt I needed too many friends (I am slightly more on the introverted side) but I do like to keep some variety and make sure I am able of also being a good friend back!

So, does your personal community circle need more attention  or are you OK with its current status? ;)

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(PS - As I am finishing writing this, someone just literally ran my bell with a package delivery for my neighbour, which I accepted. It felt good to be able to help and I’m counting a smile later on ;) - at least from my side!)

[First Published in the 'Seeds for Growth and Joy' newsletter on 03-08-2023.]