Belonging, Until You Don’t [An Expat Pocket Story]

didn’t think much about belonging when I first moved abroad.

In the UK where I first moved to study, then Brussels where I worked in a ‘European environment’, things felt surprisingly natural, I slipped in easily. I spoke the language, looked the part—at least enough; I'll always have an accent 😉—and was surrounded by other internationals.

I never really had to think about whether I fit in.

Until, one day, I didn’t.

A few years later, my work as a Chief Executive brought me to Arusha, in Tanzania. One afternoon, I decided to go for a walk alone through the centre of the city. And suddenly everyone was looking at me.

At first I felt nervous, even a bit scared (my saboteurs flared up!)—what’s going on? Am I doing something wrong? Am I in danger?

Then it clicked: of course they were staring. I was clearly not from there. A woman alone, blond, very white. Unmissably different.

And that was the first time I really felt how my body, my presence, could make me stand out. Visibly, unquestionably.
There was absolutely no danger at all; I simply stood out. A lot.

It’s funny—because even in the Netherlands, where I’ve lived for years, there’s a subtle version of this. I’m white, yes, but I’m not tall enough for the Dutch average, not blond enough. I blend in almost, but not quite.

I heard something similar from a fellow expat not so long ago—how she was struggling to feel at home in the Netherlands and finding herself here, having been born with much darker skin and curly hair in an African country (not to mention how much the cultures differ).

Those moments reminded me how fluid our sense of belonging can be. In one place, you feel like you naturally belong. In another, you become acutely aware of how you are “other”.

And this isn’t just about looks. It’s about identity, how others read you, and how you read yourself.

Psychologists call this social identity salience—those times when a part of who you are suddenly becomes the most visible thing about you, whether you choose it or not.

I’ve learned to get curious in those moments. Not to shrink, but to ask: What part of me feels seen here? And what part still feels like it’s knocking at the door?

🌍 What about you? When have you felt like you belonged—and when have you felt like the outsider?

Just another of my pocket stories, and I’d love to hear more about yours…

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🎥 Want to hear me tell this story? Watch the video here:

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And if this story resonated, feel free to share it with a fellow expat or international professional who might enjoy it too! :)